iStock digestive tractSome people feign horror upon receiving an invitation to join AARP.  But really, they mail those out to you when you’re closer to 48 years old than 50.  I’m here to tell you that you haven’t arrived to your golden years until the cancer screening begins.  Two weeks ago I had my prostate probed.  Today it was a colonoscopy.  I suspect doctors have jars where they store your dignity.  They collect another piece with each visit.

They tell you the toughest part is the prep and I support that claim.  I had a choice between a half gallon jug and a gallon jug.  The half gallon mix was flavored whereas I could choose to flavor the full gallon concoction.  I went for the big boy because I was fairly certain flavor would make me gag.  At a minimum, I’d lose that flavor for my remaining years – which could limit my future selection of sports drinks.  My unflavored prep tasted like salt water.  I started prepping at 5pm last night with the goal of drinking half, and then finished it today – drowning 8 ounces every 15 minutes during conference calls.  My iPhone conversion app set my expectation for 8 rounds per half gallon.  This was true last night but not so today as I discovered my gallon was super-sized.  It took me three hours of drinking prep today vs two hours yesterday.  And I very nearly did vomit. Drinking the prep was a worse experience than the solution’s effect on my bowels.

The procedure itself was not nearly as unpleasant as the prep.  I was apprehensive because I’ve never experienced this level of body maintenance before.  The idea of being put to sleep with some potion makes me uncomfortable.  Not sure why.  Fortunately they didn’t do that.  They inserted an IV into my right arm for the procedure, and to relax me they first squeezed in some Valium, followed by Fentanyl to numb my senses.  I never fell asleep and recall playing Pink Floyd’s The Wall in my head.  The procedure was over in a little over 10 minutes.  I suspect it was much longer and I probably did fall asleep, but I recall 10 minutes.  My vitals during the event recorded my blood pressure at 102 over 64 and heart rate at 50 beats per minute.  I’m no hummingbird.  They found and removed a single polyp and I’m good for another ten years.

Immediately afterward, Karen drove me to the Outback Steakhouse to refuel.  I’ve never fasted for 24 hours before and it nearly killed me.  I’m a food eater.  I like high flavor, high fat content, and large quantities of calories.  I’m very visual with food too and position vivid vegetables on my plate to heighten my pleasure.  I’m a friggin foodie and it took every ounce of discipline I had to not eat for this procedure.  I was more dizzy walking into the medical facility than I was walking out.  I ordered a ribeye, baked potato, bloomin onion app, and a wedge salad.  Since I’ve been home I’ve eaten Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and two bowls of ice cream.  I’ll return to running tomorrow.